Building self-esteem improves our relationships, our career, and our well-being.
Many relationship problems, or feelings of being stuck in life, are due to poor self-esteem. Even social anxiety and other anxiety disorders can develop from low self-esteem.
We may believe that we are somehow less deserving than others. That self-worth and self-love are for the others; for those who have made it in life – they have the right partner, the perfect body, a good job or have achieved something in life.
We may look at our long list of failures, and have-nots, and justify why we feel the way we feel.
But self-esteem is about knowing you are worthy, with or without any of the external possessions and qualities; AND including your failures and weaknesses. If it depended on external factors, we could lose it at any time.
What is your self-worth based on?
True self-esteem, is a quality that remains with us, even in difficult times; even if it is shaken at times. In fact, in these situations, it may help us, re-build ourselves up again, because we know we deserve to be happy, and that we can do it.
Others just have this innate feeling of being less than others, feeling almost invisible, and never good enough.
We may also think that we are born, or brought up this way and that we cannot do anything about it. That it is normal to feel less than, and different, from others.
In reality the very opposite is true – simple exercises can help in strengthening and building self-esteem.
A Self Esteem Coach can help you start changing your thoughts and believes, and to use these simple but yet powerful exercises. It will surprise you, how much more energy you will feel, and the well-being building your self-esteem will bring about.
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Self-Love and Self-Esteem, Is Not Selfishness
Self worth does not come
from success, money or a
relationship. It’s what remains
when all that is taken away.
Self-esteem is knowing that you deserve to be treated with respect and that you are good enough, just as you are. It does not mean, that you should not aim for personal growth. But that you accept where you are and know that we all can try to be better.
Self-love, which goes hand in hand with self-esteem, is being aware of both your strengths and weaknesses, and loving yourself as a whole; knowing that you are worthy of love, including, and also because of your vulnerabilities.
Our weaknesses make us human. They make us compassionate towards others’ pain and mistakes. Self-compassion, therefore, is also a cornerstone of self-esteem. It allows us to accept and love ourselves, as a whole.
Personal Boundaries and Self-Esteem
Sometimes, we may think, that we have healthy self-esteem and that we are self-confident, but the relationships we choose, and how we allow others to treat us, show otherwise. You might be friendly and confident, in social situations. However, you may feel, you need to please everyone, to be liked, or simply do not know how to say “No”.
They do not allow others to disregard or disrespect them.
A person with healthy self-esteem knows what their needs, wants and values are and stands up for them.
As your Self Esteem Coach, I can also help you to set and enforce boundaries.
Trauma and Self-Esteem
Trauma changes the mind. It changes how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and how safe we feel in this world. It is as if you are always acting from the fight or flight response. Repeated trauma, usually due to toxic partners, and/or abusive, or neglectful parents, causes low self-esteem, poor relationships and often lack of self-identity.
Many people with low self-esteem have suffered childhood trauma, or been in long-term abusive relationships.
We tend to think that trauma happens only when we suffer physical violence and/or abuse. We neglect to see that repeated verbal put-downs are also violent. That lack of verbal reinforcement, leaves us doubting ourselves and our role in this world.
When a child does not get the proper love, attention, behaviour reinforcement, and care; when it does not have a good enough role model, it is a sort of violence. The child needs all these, and more, to grow in a fully functioning adult in this world.
We are not blaming our parents here. They probably did the best they could, or where also victims of similar situations. However, starting to see, that neglect is a type of violence to the child’s mind; that not having had someone help you form and regulate your emotional response to the world and others, and mold your identity in relation to others, is traumatic to a child, will shed light on your responses today.
Sometimes just understanding why we are different, helps us have more compassion for whom we are now, and approach it in a different way.
Life Coaching is different from psychotherapy. One way major way is that, we do not spend a lot of time talking about your childhood and the past. However, making changes in the now, for a a person with trauma, is very different from a person without trauma. As we said trauma has lasting affects on the brain. You are not you plus the trauma. It becomes a part of you. Therefore, the way forward has to take into account the basis of your situation.
For this reason if you have c-ptsd, or have passed through a difficult childhood, or toxic relationship it is important to find a trauma-informed life coach or therapist.